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22 November 2011 @ 09:09 pm
Having one of those days where I really want a cigarette. You would think that after 4 weeks of not smoking, those urges would have stopped. But not really. It isn't as bad as it was, but I still have moments. I go to a thing online that is a smoking calculator thingy.. and this is what it said today..

I have now stopped smoking for 4 weeks, 1 day, 9 hours, 34 minutes, 5 seconds. That translates into 293 cigarettes NOT smoked, for a savings of $102.90! At 5 minutes per cigarette I have increased my life expectancy by 1 day, 29 minutes, 56 seconds.

And... I really don't give a flying fuck. LOL.

I just really miss my cigarettes today And honestly.. if it wasn't for the whole dying thing because smoking with the patch is bad.. I would so have one right now. I guess I will go read and hope it takes my mind off of it.
Current Mood: grumpygrumpy
11 November 2011 @ 07:01 pm
I'm not at work.. I'm not at work.. I'm not at work.

It has been a long week. And I am off work all next week for Ron and My Anniversary. :: More dancing around::

They keep having problems with the system at work... but I don't have to deal with it next week.
Current Mood: happyhappy
01 November 2011 @ 09:22 pm
I think I have figured out what time I struggle the most with the want of a cigarette. When I actually get home from work and catch up on all the stuff online. After that, I usually ask Ron if he wants to go outside for a cigarette. But there is no cigarette. ::cries::... I will be okay. Not so much the craving of the nicotine, but the comfort of the cigarette I miss. Still wearing the patches everyday. I have not given in and it has been over a week now. Though, I won't lie.. I do look longingly at stores that I know sell cigarettes. Will.. not... give.. in! Thank Gods they don't have ads on TV for Cigarettes anymore! I remember them from when I was a kid. Still not past the point of thinking of them. This past weekend I was riding in the car with Ron and he asked me what I was thinking about because I was so quiet and looking out the window. My answer? " Cigarettes".. ::laughs:: It will take some more time, I think. The the booklet that came with my patches tells me I have to be on this one for 6 weeks and then the lowest dose for 2 weeks. When I first read that, while I was still smoking that is, I thought that was a long time... nope.. I can totally understand it now.

Anyway, dinner time.. thought I would write this all out so at least there is less of a chance of caving.
Current Mood: crankycranky
27 October 2011 @ 11:28 pm
I miss cigarettes. I really..really..really do. I am not going to give in though damn it! Those patches were expensive and I am going to quit smoking whether I like it or not. This feeling will pass. I know it will, I have done this before and the last cigarette I had was on Sunday, so it hasn't even been a whole week yet. Driving feels funny without smoking at the same time. And let me just say, I picked a hell of a week to quit with work being so crappy. But I am still not going to give in. I am just not. I may however, get the patch stuck on my tongue if I do give in to the urge to lick the damn thing. I have been smart and putting them on my legs so it won't be so easy!

I don't miss the burning of smoke in my lungs, but I do miss the comfort of the whole thing. And I really don't miss smelling like smoke, but I can't wait until the smoke on other people starts smelling bad, because I was ready to hold down one of my coworkers today and just smell her because she smelled like a cigarette. And I have to resist the urge to kiss random strangers who are smoking just so I can suck the smoke out of their lungs... Yeah.. This sucks. But I will get through it. At least I am not alone in this venture. Ron, Alan and Amanda are all quitting at the same time.. so at least I know I am not the only one suffering. And as far as I know, no one has given in yet.

On a side note, I bought 5 pounds of Soy nuts today. I blame this on the not smoking and working for 25 1/2 hours in two days. And the fact that I found out today that I like soy nuts and that I am slightly allergic to Walnuts. Being allergic to walnuts has nothing to do with the soy nut thing, but I did find that out today.

Anyway.. I think I will get ready for bed as I have a long day at work tomorrow.
Current Mood: weirdweird
23 September 2011 @ 12:14 am
I am a terrible, horrible person for being so amused by my conversation with my baby cousin. Her and I are debating why she should be paying my mother a 100 dollars a week to watch her 8 month old child instead of doing it for free.. or for only 60 bucks.. for 65 hours a week. And then I changed the subject about how expensive oil changes are and how when she does get a car she should look for coupons and that being an adult is expensive. LOL.. it has deteriorated down to her answering back in as few of words as possible. I think I pissed her off..::snickers::.. And you know what? I don't really care. I have to stop myself from typing more or when she does get a car, she is going to find me and run my ass down. I have come to realize that with age comes wisdom, but like religion, you can't really shove it down someone Else's throat. They are going to do what they will do and then one day learn from their mistakes. She is turning 18 in December. So she has a lot of growing up to do, though she is going to have to start a little faster as she has an 8 month old. I hope she does as I would hate to see that kid as fucked up as I fear it will become if she doesn't. But then again, it would just match in with the rest of my family.

Well, this week started out crappy. One of Ron's dear friends died in a motorcycle accident on Sunday. So I have been dealing with a sad husband. I think I have only met this guy two or three times and of those times, he didn't really talk to me. I am sad that someone died and I am sad that it hurts Ron, but it didn't really affect me much. From everything I have heard he sounded like a great guy.

Then Tuesday Rolled around... Tuesday was the most crappy day ever. I was off work and went to the eye doctor and found out the new eye insurance is total shit as I had to pay for the co pay and the contact fitting, which was always covered under the old plan. So the doctors appointment that I expected to only cost 10 to 20 bucks turned out to be 82 bucks. Which I didn't have in my bank account. So I over drafted and had to borrow money from my mother for my other doctor's appointment later in the day and also to put me back in the black. Luckily I was only over drawn by 7 dollars and some change. So I went to the bank and put 10 dollars in the account.. and my pen exploded all over my hand. That was rather minor compared to the rest of the day, but I figured if I am complaining about the day, I might as well put everything in there.

Well anyway, On the way back to the house my car lost traction on the wet road and turned full circle and ran up onto the curb. I was lucky and missed a pole by about two feet. I wasn't hurt, just a bit battered and a little bruised. I was also lucky I wasn't going that fast. So I open my door and look at my car and it didn't seem all that bad.. until I moved it off the curb and noticed how it wasn't moving quite right. So I just moved myself to the side of the road and turned on my hazard lights and got out of the car to take a look. The back drivers side tire was turned in at an odd angle.. which is never good it would seem! So I called my husband and told him I loved him and I had been in an accident and I was okay but I didn't know what to do. He left work and drove to meet me. I stood there for a while and then called the wonderful Mr. Xandre who talked to me for a bit until I could calm down. He heard a lot of me rambling about the whole thing and a lot of laughing so I wouldn't cry. And I held it together too. I didn't cry on the phone with him and I didn't cry when I got off the phone and I didn't cry when 4 different wonderful people stopped at different times to find out if I was okay. I did however, cry when Ron got there. We called my mother and she found some money to get my car towed to the shop to be worked on. Found out Yesterday Morning how much it was going to cost to get it fixed, over a thousand dollars! Which we didn't have but Ron put in for a loan and it was granted (Thank Gods!). So I should at least be getting my car back tomorrow if all goes well. ::crosses fingers:: And my mother offered to pay us back the 250 she owes us by buying me new tires. As I think the old crappy tires was the cause of this accident.

I also had a sleep study appointment with a specialist. He said my blood pressure was a little high.. I can't imagine it would have anything to do with the fact that I had gotten into a car accident about three hours ago.... . . He also said I have to stop reading in bed and try to get up the same time every day.. even on weekends. I am sad about the no sleeping in part. As I really don't want to get up at 6 am every morning. I have to write in a sleep journal for the next few days and I now have a sleep study scheduled for the 30th, which is a Friday night. So that night I will have to drive to Good Sam Hospital and be there by 8 pm.. sleep.. and be kicked out around 6-6:30 am. I am not really overjoyed by this to be honest. There was a small part of me that honestly had hoped he would give me a magic pill that would fix everything. Some of my Non wisdom showing, I guess. He thinks I might have a small case of sleep Apnea which can be fixed with a Cpap machine. Ron is on one so if I do get one, we can sleep together and make Darth Vader noises at each other. I really don't want one, but if I need to be on it, so be it. I am not sure if I liked the doctor or not to be honest, I was so pudding brained at the moment from the accident that I wasn't getting a reading on him and it seems I was taking things much differently then Ron was ::shrugs::.

Anyway, I am tired. It has been a horribly long week and I have to be up early as Ron is driving me to work on his way to work. Also, I have long pissed off my cousin to the point that I don't think she will answer me back if I comment more to her on Facebook.. ::chuckles:: So, off to bed with myself. Goodnight all.
Current Mood: tiredtired
02 August 2011 @ 09:47 pm
I like wine.

That is all.
Current Mood: drunkTipsy
27 July 2011 @ 08:59 am
My coworker Robin is the biggest Douche bag in the world. I just thought I would say that out to the world. She knew I had a Funeral to go to today. She knew it was my Grandmother's Funeral. But she was too sick to come in.. because the world fucking revolves around her that is it. I drag my ass in here when I am sick to cover for her.. but you know what? Not anymore. Fuck her. So now, I have a mountain of fucking work to come back to because I have do my work and hers.

I really do wish evil things on that woman.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
20 January 2011 @ 05:07 pm
Honestly, I don't even really know how to start this entry. Lately I haven't really been all that great about expressing my feeling unless it is to my husband or my friend Amanda. And when I look at it, I feel stupid. Because there are so many other people who have it way worse then I do. And then again, even though it is stupid, those feelings are eating me up alive.. so I guess it isn't so stupid... maybe.

I guess I shall start at begining. My cousin Carol moved in with my mother. I like Carol. Which actually surprises me since I really hate her mother. Carol is going through some problems and my mother is being wonderfully helpful to her. I am glad Carol is getting the help she needs and I like seeing her since I haven't really saw her since we were children.

That being said, the ugly green eyed monster is coming out in me and I don't like it. I am not going to say there isn't any reason for it. She is treated a hell of a lot better then I ever was, but I still don't like it. I really like Carol and I don't want to feel this way. But part of me resents her for.. well taking over the spot of Daughter it almost seems. I know it sounds silly. It does. But I can't help the way I feel. I go over my mother's house every Thursday night and Mom and I used to talk for a while. You know, catch up on the things that happened throughout the week and then watch some tv together. And now, I get there with the tea I buy every week and then they ignore me for soap operas, after they say Thank you for the tea that is. Lately I have had to stand infront of the TV to get my Mother's attention. And I don't like it.

I feel like the person that delivers their tea and then is honored enough to sit in the same room with them. A third wheel, if you like. I really don't like this feeling. It had me so down the other week that when I got home from my mother's house, I just sat in front of my computer and cried. And then I went to bed and cried a little more.

I don't want to resent Carol and I don't want to feel as hurt as I have been feeling. But honestly, I don't know how to change it. It isn't really Carol's fault at all. So what do I do? I can't seem to get my mother to myself to talk about it. Hell, I had to ask someone if I could take Carol to a baby shower I was helping out with because my mother was invited and she wanted Carol to come a long too. Any advice would help. And if there is none at least I got to write it out.
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
17 December 2010 @ 08:56 pm
Dear Gods, I have been here at work for 12 1/2 hours and the last hour or so of it is me sitting around for 4 letters...4. I want to go home.. but I have to wait for two more letters. ::sighs::
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
24 November 2010 @ 08:16 pm
You know, I love going to the gym. When we first joined, I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it. But I told myself I was going to stick to it because I am paying about 20 dollars per person [40 total with Ron and I] and I would be damned if I was going to be paying 20 dollars a month for a key chain. I actually love it though. It is great after a long day at work just to go to the gym with my little MP3 player and listen to books while I am walking on the treadmill or peddling the bike, totally losing myself while feeling the blood pump through my body.

We just started doing the weight training on Friday and Monday. Friday was lower body and Monday was upper body. I have a bit to learn with the upper body as I ended up over doing it. So my arms are rather sore when I extend them out all the way. But I learned my lesson and I will be doing smaller weights as appose to the 30 pounds I was doing on Monday. I haven't really lost weight.. but I have lost some inches. So I think I am gaining muscle. Not really sure, but it makes me feel good and that is important.

Though, I won't lie, I do hope I actually lose some weight! I have been a big person most of my life and I have always hated it. I was the kid in school being teased about being a big girl. Last kid picked on teams in kickball or second to the last depending on who was playing. Last person to finish the mile in gym as a child. One time, I wasn't.. I was so happy that day! LOL. Oh Gods, in high school.. I was the one with " a pretty face" or " A good friend". ::groans:: I won't even tell you how many times I was told that I was just a friend.. which means in high school boy speak " You are not pretty enough to be my girlfriend" or the " You're not my type" Which means, you are fat. I have heard them all!

Most of the time, I had my nose in a book so that it didn't seem so bad. I could live in that fantasy world for a while.. at least until the book ended. High school wasn't my happiest of times anyway with my father dying and my mother shutting down and pushing everyone away and my sisters pretty much cutting me out of their lives. I was never allowed to go anywhere unless I gave her a weeks notice and even then it was iffy. Actually.. that last part still happened into my early 20's until I finally couldn't take it anymore and moved out.

Anyway, I got off topic. Now that I am going to the gym three times a week, I feel like I am actually doing something about it. Not just whining and moaning that I want to be thinner... Like I have most of my life. I know it is going to take a while to get to where I want to be with my body, but I am okay with that. I am not going to let it get me down that the pounds are not melting away. I haven't even been going for a full month yet and I have gone down a bra size. So that tells me that at least it is working, if slowly.

Okay.. this was a longer post then I was planning. But that is okay. Happy Turkey day Tomorrow to those who celebrate it. Will update again soon.
Current Mood: calmcalm